Scream Within

Theatrical Demise

Ξ January 30th, 2008 | → | ∇ Thoughts of a deviant mind |

I don’t have to care, right? I can just give up at any moment. I can just call it a day, call it quits and say I’ve had enough. You think it would be easy to just do that but the mounting pressure to be someone, to do something, to achieve greatness is always there pressuring me to either jump in or jump overboard. It’s either sink or swim and at this point I just feel like drowning.

Sometimes it becomes to much. This life becomes overwhelming, this existence seems pointless and it all seems to just stop. It just stops and it stands still.  Everyone’s breathing down my neck with well meaning intentions but I just don’t want to hear it anymore.  “You should do this, you should do that. I’m disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do that? You haven’t done anything in so long” It gets tiring to know you are such a huge disappointment when you have tried endlessly to be that symbol of perfection in this family.

 I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I know I am going to hell. I know I will rot for every inconcievable sin that I have committed. I accept that I am not a good person. I accept that I am a evil person.  I cannot sit here and pretend that there is much good left in me, if any at all.  How can I pretend I am something I am not??

 Everyone expects so much from someone who has no energy left. I don’t even have much will to live. I am afraid to die but I’m so tired of where I’m at. I take solace in pills. I take comfort in being alone. I take pride in the fact that I can desecrate my body and no one can see what I am doing. No one can tell because the damage is done inside and I know it’s probably irreversible, but it doesn’t matter. I’m an unlovable mass of nothing.

 I need to dive myself back into something I love, dive back into something I find life in, but it’s just a matter of finding something and getting back into it.

I’m just so over the theatrics of it all.

 

2 Responses to ' Theatrical Demise '

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1. Eli Hart said,
   
   

   on January 31st, 2008 at 6:16 am

   I love you.

2. mma said,
   
   

   on February 6th, 2008 at 10:40 pm

   I really like this blog, kinda sounds like what i’m going through

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