I don’t have to care, right? I can just give up at any moment. I can just call it a day, call it quits and say I’ve had enough. You think it would be easy to just do that but the mounting pressure to be someone, to do something, to achieve greatness is always there pressuring me to either jump in or jump overboard. It’s either sink or swim and at this point I just feel like drowning.
Sometimes it becomes to much. This life becomes overwhelming, this existence seems pointless and it all seems to just stop. It just stops and it stands still. Everyone’s breathing down my neck with well meaning intentions but I just don’t want to hear it anymore. “You should do this, you should do that. I’m disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do that? You haven’t done anything in so long” It gets tiring to know you are such a huge disappointment when you have tried endlessly to be that symbol of perfection in this family.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I know I am going to hell. I know I will rot for every inconcievable sin that I have committed. I accept that I am not a good person. I accept that I am a evil person. I cannot sit here and pretend that there is much good left in me, if any at all. How can I pretend I am something I am not??
Everyone expects so much from someone who has no energy left. I don’t even have much will to live. I am afraid to die but I’m so tired of where I’m at. I take solace in pills. I take comfort in being alone. I take pride in the fact that I can desecrate my body and no one can see what I am doing. No one can tell because the damage is done inside and I know it’s probably irreversible, but it doesn’t matter. I’m an unlovable mass of nothing.
I need to dive myself back into something I love, dive back into something I find life in, but it’s just a matter of finding something and getting back into it.
I’m just so over the theatrics of it all.
Just something I’ve been working on….
She stood alone on that platform. She looked amongst the crowd as if willing herself to move. She wanted to know what if meant to feel. She wanted to feel anything aside from the burning hatred in her soul. She hated him for the way he left. She hated him for the things he said to her. Standing on that platform, waiting for her 9 a.m. train to nowhere she relived it all, word for word.
“Look Kit, it’s not like things have been going well lately,” he said as if expecting her to agree.
See he doesn’t have a name anymore, he remains nameless so she doesn’t have to admit she actually loved him. Lets be real she still loves him.
“What the hell do you mean? Things aren’t going well? I’m confused here. Last night you fucked me and said you loved me. What was that?” you could see the anger flare up in her eyes.
She didn’t let love in easily. She had been hurt so many times before. She had been used by countless guys and he swore, he swore he was different. What a joke that was because here she was in the same situation as always.
“Kit…come on…you know what that was. Lets not kid ourselves anymore.”
She was so angry, so hurt. How could this be happening…again? He promised her. He told her he loved her. She believed every single word that crossed his beautiful, sultry lips. She shook herself from that thought and lashed out at the man she used to trust.
“You lying bastard. You loved me last night while you were deep inside me. You loved me every other night too. You piece of shit. All this time. All this time you were using me for that, after everything I’ve told you. God, I hate you.”
“Kit, look, you knew this was coming. You are so emotionally attached to everything, to everyone. You should have known that this is what I wanted. You…you’re beautiful..but lets be real. The sex was amazing wasn’t it?”
Smack! She hit him with such force, with such anger. The look of shock crossed his face as she punched him in the stomach.
“So you think that’s all I’m good for, do you? Let me fill you in on something. I also know how to throw a nice punch. You are a waste of everything, you know that. It’s a shame because you just lost out on the best thing you will ever have.”
Between stifled breaths he muttered to Kit one last sentence.
“You always knew you were good for only one thing you slut.”
With that she walked away, from the best thing that had happened to her. The love she had for him dissolved into nothing but contempt. He was just another typical guy under her belt. It was tragic….
“Now boarding on Track 3 to New York. Now boarding.”
With the last thought tangled in her mind Kit walked over to Track 3 and hopped her 9 a.m. train to nowhere.
Lying is tough work they say. Lying is harder than telling the truth really. Realistically you may as well just tell the truth. It’s less stressful to be honest. It has to be incredibly hard to remember every detail of that miniscule lie that you have told. It must be hard to keep tabs on what you have said and haven’t said so that way the web of deciet does not come untangled.
Once people see that you are lying they begin to see every crack, every flaw, every misconception about you. They see you for only a little white lie, they only see you for your mistruths.
Lets think about this: You start off with a little white lie. The smallest possible lie that sometimes is a neccesity. Though I’m rather keen to just being honest and telling people like it is, I somewhat understand the basic need to tell a little lie. Anyways, that little lie that you tell turns into a big lie, a huge whopping, oh shit I’m in trouble lie that there is no way out of.
The basic need to lie is not really a basic need. Now that big lie has turned into something of a whirlwind. You got that rush of adrenaline, of excitement in knowing you got away with that lie. So, why not make it bigger, expand your horizon, expand your knowledge of the lie.
The art, oh the art of a lie. How intricate and delicate you must be so not to “fuck” it up. Excuse the use of such trashy words but in this case the little “f word” is really necessary. Oh the sweet rush of that lie and how you cannot sway from details. Once you sway from details people begin to question you and everything about you. They see you for who you are and the misconceptions you have dealt out. They will question all your words and begin to break down every word that spews from your mouth.
The conclusion of this debacle. The conclusion of the art of a lie. The ending of this sweet and reckless rant. Do Not Lie!!!
Sometimes I get to a point where I want to cry but I can’t. I want the tears to come. I even try to will them from my eyes, beg them to spill but they fight. It’s as if they are telling me I’m not worth the tears, even from myself.
The daily feelings of dread have managed to take over me more and more. It’s been since September and I can’t say that I’ve tried very hard to change things. I thought I was doing better and within a matter of minutes things came plummeting down. I know I’m not good enough for anything around me but still I plug on hoping that my worth would someday come to fruition.
Truth is, that day will never come. I’ve been shown day in and day out what my worth is. Countless times it’s been forcefed to me like a child screaming for it’s next meal. Shoved down my throat as if I’m going to somehow throw it up and say, “no this is not true!” I know that it is true. I know that the image people view me as is not what I intended. Somehow I lost track of the true meaning of my life. I lost track over ten years ago and never bothered to try and fix it.
I want to cry damnit. I want to feel loss, to feel hate, to feel anything really. I have buried down so damn deep that it would take an explosion to unearth it all. Ten years, really, of all the crap I’ve taken. I’ve let people meander into my life, trample my heart and the meander their way back out. At the cost of what? My sanity, my dignity, my lust for life, my well being?! Pfft, right, like I really had any of that to begin with.
Here is a box precious child. It’s got this pretty pink bow on it. Take care of it and take solace in the fact that it won’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Solitude, sabotage, hatred, vengeance.
The taste for revenge is great but I’ve promised so many people that I’d do good, I’d prove them wrong. Again, the truth is I have no will to fight against the people that are so two faced. I have no energy left anymore. I know that people hate me and I wish I could take back whatever it is I have done, but I can’t. That hurts the most you know, that I can’t fix whatever it is I have done because they won’t let me. Forget it all I guess! Forget that I don’t matter and just disappear.
Damnit I want to cry!! And alas here they come, spilling from eyes and now, now theyll never stop until I fall asleep or pass out from exhaustion. Either way I’m screwed.
Truth be told I know that I dont matter in the scheme of things. Reality is no one really matters in the end. Each human being from one to the next is expendable. The rich, poor, black, white, they are all in the end replaceable by the next best thing. Replaced by the flavor of the month, so to speak. At the end of the day I know my words fall on deaf ears. I know typing this is fruitless, I know speaking how I feel is effortless but pointless. None of it ever matters, none of it ever will.
We are all puppets. We are all trained to conform to what everyone likes. We are all monkies. Its sick if you think about it long and hard. You wake up and conform to the norm. I do not and will not conform to the normalcy of society. I don’t want to blend in, but to stand out. I want to stand out and be known, be heard, be thought of as something instead of nothing. I want to have my own opinions, my own thoughts but everytime I go to speak them they get shut down. Why? The answer is because it’s not the norm to go against popular beliefs and popular demands. If you step outside of the box you are a traitor, you are a sinner of sorts.
Why live and breathe if you can’t step outside of the box and be yourself? Why bother existing if you must be something you are not? Why bother even stepping outside the door and onto the front porch if you are going to be shot down for being different?
The world is not free. We are not free. We are under the reign of dictators. We will never be free. The eye of “the man” will always be upon us, will always be watching us. We are under a microscopes. We are ants being reigned in and trapped. We are suckers. Picture this! As a kid you get an ant farm for a gift. You play with that sucker for ages, watching the ants march amongst the maze of dirt, living their life thinking they are free. You grow up only to realize you are the ant, marching amongst the maze, living your life thinking you are free. How ironic, no? You trapped those ants in that cage only to become one of them, trapped in the monotony of the world.
—Stop thoughts. Rambling cease.-
My head hurts. My brain is throbbing. I feel the anger coarsing through me. I feel violently ill for thinking so negatively of people. I feel so angry that people think of me as this rotten person. I hate blaming my past for who I am, but maybe if I wasn’t lied to half my life or treated like shit I wouldn’t have a wall up and my defenses on full alert. I wouldn’t have to feel like the world is lying to me if I wasn’t lied to constantly. I know that I’m not perfect, but guess what?! Through all your high and mighty bullshit you are far from perfect, sometimes I think you are worse off then me.
The truth is I get sickened at the thought of people who think they know everything could possibly rule the world. They don’t know everything and if they did there would be no point for a lot of things. Perfection is unattainable, perfection does not exist. If you think you are perfect you are mistaken. You have a flaw in your ideal plan of being on top of the pillar with your high and mighty attitude. It’s sickening and I feel ill.
My head feels like exploding at the moment. My mind won’t stop spinning. I need to pop a sleeping pill to get some sleep because at this rate I’m not going anywhere fast.
Sleep, how sweet it would be. Sleep,dreams and not nightmares. It would be a miracle.
-side note-
I am not perfect. No human is perfect. Why not stop judging a person before taking the time or a simple moment to get to know them? You make yourself a very ugly human being by judging someone with closed eyes and a closed mind. I hope you find peace in who you are and solace in who you will be because eventually you will be alone. For that my dear friend, I feel bad for you.
