sup·port 

–verb (used with object)

What happens when that support is no longer there? What happens when it wasn’t ever really there? What happens when it’s crushed under the weight of truth and honesty? Through everything I have trusted, or have tried to and for what.  It was all for nothing because in the end that truth was nothing more than lies and i was made the fool again. I was made the sucker. I believed in their honesty, I believed they cared. I thought that it was sincere but I was wrong.  I thought the support was genuine but I was sorely mistaken. I let what I wanted get in the way of what was really there.

an·ger  

Yes, I have anger issues. Yes I let the anger build up until I can’t contain it anymore. Yes, the anger is usually directed at the last person that attacks me or I feel has wronged me. I don’t express my feelings because I get told to move on from it, to get over it. As a child I was told not to express my feelings because crying was for babies and crying was weak. So I buried that hurt and it turned into this anger that I couldn’t control. I have gotten that anger under control lately. I have walked away from things. I have let things slide, but when something is done to me when I have done nothing to warrant it, it gets under my skin. Somehow it’s my fault. My anger that wasn’t there until no one helped me understand why became evident.

I need to walk away from life. I need to walk away from the things that make me want to slit my wrists. I need to walk away from the people I know care, but in reality can’t help me. I need to help myself and if it turns out that my helping me is by hurting myself then at least I did something good or something right for once in my life.

People want me to take responsibility for my actions and I have as of late. Right now I have nothing to be responsible for aside from saying tis the fuckin’ season. I did nothing to warrant the situation at hand. But you know it’s okay. I will walk away from it all. Even the addiction of needing to be there, the wanting of the support is running dry. There is no support line there for me. For others yes, for the ones that lie about things, there is support. My honesty is not wanted nor needed. My brand of help is not wanted or appreciated. I need to walk

To those that I have grown to love so much, with all of my heart. I love you dearly. I know you won’t read this but I love you with all my heart. For the times that you have cared enough to help me through things. I’m sorry if my anger has been misplaced at times, though I don’t think it has with you bunch. I love you love you love you love you. Please know you deserve all the kindness in the world.!!

I need to learn not to let every word soak into my skin. I need to learn to not let a nobody’s words effect me. For the past week almost, I have managed to stay away. To keep my distance from the negative, from the mind numbing, from the angry, soulless voids that I call humans. The constant noise breaks me down, tears me up, drains me. I want to be me for once, I want to be able to talk and be heard. Instead I get bicker, whine, fight, moan…all the time.

 Sometimes I wish I had wings so I could just fly away. It woud be nice if you think about it. No, really think. Some kind of horrible situation comes about, you flap your wings and you’re gone. Floating, flying in the sky, above everything, away from the world. Away from the noise, pollution, violence, from everything. It would be just you and the breeze and whereever that takes you. I know a mere dream in the mind of one twisted, lost soul. I can’t help it. I love to fantasize about the impossible.

I want to be loved for my heart, for who I am. How’s that for a fantasy? One that will remain so, I suppose. Who really knows?! I don’t trust. I don’t open up about me easily. I just don’t. It’s not a situation where the wall just crumbles down. It never has been, never will be. I’m the ugly duckling, too bad the happy ending never came. Who knows if it ever will?

 Do I believe in fairytales? The happy endings just don’t seem to exist in reality. The prince charming coming to rescue the damsel in distress…doubtful. Really doubtful.

Succubus: any demon or evil spirit.  In my mind sweet thing that’s what you are. You are on your mission to take what’s left of me and drain me dry. You are the devil my dearest friend and I will let you bleed me dry. I fantasize, I envision you wrapping your sultry arms around my throat and squeezing. Suffocate me, smother me with your desire to end my life. I will not fight back. I am in love with your darkside. I am in love with the delicious evil you bring forth to me. At night I swallow you whole. I lie back and wait for your effects to wrack my body. I wait for the euphoric feeling of numbness. I love you for your mind numbing spell you put over me. You make me feel alive but dead at the same time. I love you for capturing my heart but torturing the rest of me with your pain. I don’t ever want to lose you. You are completion. Elevation is the next step. With you I can touch the sky. With you I can take that step closer to the ledge. I can look over and see beauty inviting. Will you fly with me if I let go? Will you sore with me above the cloud? Heaven awaits us…or will you send me tumbling back to hell. I’ve been trapped there for so long,  why not let me come and play with harps and wings? Why not let me fly sweet sweet rapture? Let me fly.

Oh the sweetness of it all but I’m so bitter. So bitter and angry. I find anger in happiness, I find love in the forbidden. I find love in places where you are not supposed to look. I find love in dark alleys. Palms face up to the heavens while the knife hits home. Palms face up while I’m on my knees begging for more. I am entwined in darkness, entangled in evil. Even if I used the knife to try and free myself I’d still end up hurt. I’d still end up begging for more. There is no end in sight. There is no freedom from it. How can you free yourself from the loving embrace? I have found love not in the arms of people, but in the arms of other forms. I won’t beg of you for help, won’t beg of you to save me. I need no savior, no knight in shining armor.

I need no man to save me. A man’s touch taints me. His fingertips sends his poison coarsing through my veins. Venom…men…poison. They bring nothing to the table aside from raging erections and the need to get off. They beg for nothing more than lips or the softness between the thighs of a giving woman. They steal the love by taking as they see fit. There is no love for vile things, there is no love for things that just want pleasure. I do not give pleasure as I don’t recieve pleasure from them. I find pleasure in the form of my demons. I find pleasure in the form of the evil I long for.

I need not worry about life beyond this. I need not worry about tomorrows. I need not worry about yesterdays. I focus on the here, the now, the aching need for more. The pounding in my head is begging me, nagging me, forcing me. To find release. To find the numb. To find the void.

 I find the void…and he lets me fly. He lets me sore but in the end he will send me crashing down to the depths of hell where I belong. I do belong there to let my soul rot….forever. Forever.

What is the point? What is the reason for life? After all, we are born, we live and then we die. It’s in between that life and death, whether it be brief or long that you have to make the best of it. You have to live your life the way you see fit, to the fullest. To just say you live and then you die, well, that’s just sad and tragic. By saying that you concede to life, that you just die in the end is a sad and wasteful life. Granted at times I am guilty as charged. I am sad at times, but I do not live a life without happy moments. I have a beautiful nephew who has brought joy into my life, such overwhelming beautiful joy, it’s indescribable. I don’t buy for a second that someone can go through life never having a moment where you smile or laugh and genuinely mean it. Maybe I’m that closeminded, maybe I’m realistic, who knows? I just can’t fathom someone never having a moment in life where they stop and think “yeah this is what life’s about.”

Life is not meant to be easy. Life should not be expected to be a cakewalk. Unless you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth life is a day to day struggle and even then life can still be tough. People who think life should be given to them, should be handed to them with no struggles at all are not living in the real world. I have had struggles in my life. I have wished things were easier at times, but truth be told, I would not change a bit of it. If life was handed to me, wrapped in a pretty bow, I would not have met the people I have met. Yeah, I might be in less emotional pain, but who’s to say with that pretty box consequences don’t follow? Who’s to say that you don’t inherit new problems and woes with thay much?

Nothing is a guarantee. Life is never a guarantee. There will always be uphill battles. There will always be struggle. There will always be loss. With loss, at times, comes strength. With strength comes the will to want to live the life you’ve always wanted. It’s tough to sit here, with a smile on my face and say this is always the life I imagined. I’d be a liar if I said that. I cannot lie about life. I just can’t sit here sweet and contrite and say life is a cakewalk.

Generally speaking, those that complain about life being so tough are the ones that aren’t trying hard enough. I could sit here and say life sucks, I blame this person or this person for my life being such shit. Truth is and whether you want to admit it or not it’s up to you, you are responsible for you. You can’t blame the world for your shit life. Sure, circumstances could lead you to the point you’re at BUT it’s up to you to take the positive path to gaining a better life. It’s your choice to climb that hill and achieve what you’ve always wanted. You can choose that path or the negative one where you sit there day in and day out blaming everyone else for your mishaps and your supposed shit life.

Again, I will reiterate, life is not meant to be easy. If it was we wouldn’t be at such a destructive point in this world. If life was meant to be easy there woud be no hunger, no war, no hate, no vioence. There would be no homeless people, no poverty. If life were meant to be easy we would be living in peace and harmony. Let’s be real friends, we are so far from that, so realistically there will never be an easy, packaged in ribbons life.

Work for what you want, live for what you want, Make life something to be proud of, don’t sit stewing on the crap parts. If you do that you will end up being a cynical old man/woman regretting never living your life to the fullest.

For once, just once it would be nice to be told the truth. The lies that keep piling on are getting a bit ridiculous. I think that people who lie need to really sit down and reevaluate their existence. The story telling, it’s getting a bit out of control. It’s sad when someone starts to become cynical. If only you could offer me some words that actually rang true. Spit lies here, spit lies there. Little lies become big lies and the big lies are astronomical. Why bother even talking to someone if all you are going to speak is filth? It’s pointless really. A friendship based on bullshit lies is nothing more than..well nothing. I base my friendships on truth, on who the person is as an individual. If you are respectful of me then I am respectful back.

It’s simple really.  When you are about to speak, do you stop for a moment and think, do I want to be honest or do I want to spin her head around some unbelievably non realistic story. Most of the time you choose the latter one. Most of the time you lie through your pretty little teeth.

As human beings, what are we? Flesh, blood, bones, some complex organs. We are merely expendable. If you think hard enough about it and actually weigh the pros and cons by the time you are done another person will be dead, if not more.

Think of the violence surrounding us. Think of the negativity that’s plastered on every street corner. It’s so much easier to go and get a gun instead of fist fighting or even *gasp* talking. It’s so much easier for someone to go blast up a school then it is to admit that they are seriously not okay. That things around them are crumbling, instead..well instead every other day on the news you hear about another school shooting, or another one dead due to inescapable violence. I say in plain English, fuck the violence. Fuck the idiotic thought process that leads to someone actually picking up a gun and pulling the trigger.

People say that it’s evident we are going to kill the world. Well, they are right. Some say that over population is an issue. Well maybe if parents took the time to explain to someone who is just barely a teen that sex isn’t a game. That if you are, at  13 going to go lay yourself down and spread your legs then get a condom, put your child on birth control if you aren’t going to educate them. Try educating them about safe sex, about std’s, and about AIDS. Maybe then you wouldn’t have 13 year old BABIES poppin’ out babies, then again *gasp* the population is under control.

Instead of educating children, the world is banning  violence, banning nudity, banning the word GOD from the national anthem. Give me a break people. Hundreds of years ago none of that was an issue, so why now. Has our world gone that psychopathic in the need to block everything from children. Lets think about this, if a child wants to see nudity all the have to do is go under daddy’s bed and find his Playboy collection. If a child wants to see violence all he has to do is turn on the t.v. or pop in a video game.

Where are the days where sunshine, a baseball bat and a day out in the park was considered a hell of a good time? Where are the days where riding bikes around the neighborhood was considered fun? Today a child sits in front of the T.V. more than they go outside to experience the world? And parents wonder where they get the vulgar language, the violence, the negativity. Take your god damn kids out from in front of the screen, shove them outside and tell them to play. Maybe then the worlds future wouldn’t be in such destruction.

There’s my ounce of  truth. Take it or leave it ladies and gents. Either way…it’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

This nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach needs to stop. It hurts so much. The hiccups aren’t helping really. The hiccups make me want to throw up even more. Everytime the hiccup comes out, I feel sicker. I have this feeling I’m slowly killing myself with the abuse I inflict on my body. Between the constant pill abuse, the neglect that I inflict on my body, by not eating, by barely leaving my bed. It’s not healthy I know but once you get into a sick pattern it’s so hard to break free from it.

Laser Tag what an evolutionary idea. You strap on a vest, you grab a gun and you start shooting any poor sucker that runs into your path. Great idea, only bad part is, it’s not meant for people that do not like to run. Once you get all hooked up and go it’s run central. The thing is fat people are not meant to run. You figure this…fat person running…sweating…smelly. Not a pretty site. But yeah, so here I was chest cramp, couldn’t breathe, almost fell down the ramp, sweating. Kelly, is not supposed to look like this..not after donning herself with a full face of makeup Yummy, makeup sludge running down her face. YAY!!

Onwards, I say. ONWARDS. I feel nauseated. I feel ill. Yay for illnesses. Yah for self pity. Pity party, pity party. Party for one. So music of the day. I say listen to Stabbing Westward. Got a good song today. It was nifty I say. Just plain nifty. I think that I have issues. I’m not quite certain yet, but for real hardcore issues. Help, nah, who needs help.

Okay, poetry time. It’s time to finish what I started. How ominous does that sound?! Here’s a dance before I go. Shake shake shuffle shuffle shuffle shake. YAY!

 First off crazy thanks to Robin for hosting this for me Thank you loads as it means alot to me.

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The mind is a crazy thing you know. One minute there’s nothing there, kind of like a void and the next the thoughts won’t stop. Sometimes I don’t mind the thoughts because it aids me in my creative it side, be it my poetry or my photography. When it gets like it is now though, it gets out of control. The thoughts are just swirling in my brain, slamming off of each other. I feel like they will mesh together and create one super nova thought. Can you imagine a thought like that stemming from my brain? That’s like begging for a tornado to hit.

Tonight…well tonight the thoughts are about numerous things. It’s about my life and where it is at the moment, it’s about the past and how i have this nagging yearn for it. Love lost…ah love lost. That saying better to have loved then to have never loved at all, or however it goes…what a pile of crap that is. Whoever made that quote obviously has no idea the rammifications of a broken heart. The haven’t a clue to the torturous feeling that grips your heart. The tearing, the nagging, the yearning, the loss, all of it I’d rather be without. One true love, one love lost..worth the pain?? I’m not really sure anymore. I’m not really sure if loss is anything I really want to experience ever again.

My mind, my mind is a maze. Grab a pen if you will and try to figure your way out. Better yet grab a pencil, you’ll need the eraser. You can fix the giant mistakes in my brain while you’re up there getting lost.  Oh, you will get lost no doubt, it’s a messed up place the brain of mine.

Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I had an on/off switch.  So you can just turn them off. Even a dimmer would be nice, really. Think about it…thoughts running rampant..click off the switch goes. Mmmm, that would be pleasant. To be able to sleep. Instead of a switch my muse likes to play hide and seek with me. He hides when I need him and comes out and plays when  I want him to shut up.

Sleep seems next to impossible. Why bother at 520 am? So much for laser tag. How can I aim a laser at a target when I can’t keep my eyes open? Oh nevermind, that’s just like everyday life…walking through it half awake. I’m golden then.

Until next time, won’t you be a dear and flip the switch for me, my thoughts are aching.